i never thought i’d be that guy. you know, the one who gets into arguments over appliances. but there i was, standing in my living room, ready to throw down over an air purifier.

it all started when i decided to be responsible

i bought this fancy air purifier, thinking it’d solve all my problems. allergies? gone. dust? sayonara. the lingering smell of last night’s burnt microwave popcorn? history.

so i set it up, feeling pretty smug. it hummed away in the corner i even gave it a name – herbert. seemed fitting for something so uptight and proper.

fast forward to movie night with the girlfriend. we’re halfway through some indie flick about a man who falls in love with his toaster or whatever, when she starts sniffling. i’m thinking, “great, the romance is really getting to her.” but no.

“what’s that smell?” she asks.

i don’t smell anything. but herbert is whirring away, probably feeling pretty pleased with himself. “it’s just the air purifier,” i say, trying to sound casual, like owning an air purifier is something cool people do.

she looks at me like i’ve just admitted to collecting toenail clippings. “it smells like a hospital in here. turn it off.”

and that’s when it hits me. i’ve become emotionally attached to an appliance. i’m ready to defend herbert’s honor. “but it’s cleaning the air,” i argue.

“it’s giving me a headache,” she counters.

we go back and forth, the movie forgotten. i’m listing air quality statistics like some kind of pollution nerd, while she’s threatening to open all the windows..

it ends with herbert unplugged, sulking in the corner. i feel betrayed. by my girlfriend, by herbert, by the air itself.

the next day, i return herbert to the store. the girl asks if there was anything wrong with it. i consider telling her, but instead i just shrug.

“turns out, i prefer my air unpurified,” i say, trying to sound wise and not at all like someone who almost chose an appliance over his relationship.