I never thought I’d be swabbing my dog’s mouth like some canine CSI, but here I am, armed with the Embark Breed & Health Kit and a burning desire to unravel the mystery of my mutt.

Is it just me, or does everyone secretly wonder if their “lab mix” rescue is actually part wolf? Spoiler alert: probably not, but the journey to that realization was interesting.

Here’s what happened.

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First Impressions

The kit itself is pretty straightforward – a couple of cheek swabs, a test tube filled with stabilizing fluid, and instructions even a sleep-deprived dog owner could follow. But let’s be real, the true magic happens when you’re trying to convince your furry friend that having a Q-tip shoved in their mouth is totally normal and fun.

My dog, Potato (yes, that’s her name – judge me all you want), eyed the swab with the same suspicion she reserves for the vacuum cleaner. After a brief standoff that made the Cold War look like a friendly chat, I managed to get the sample. Pro tip: peanut butter makes everything better, including doggy DNA collection.

As I sealed the sample in its little tube, I couldn’t help but feel like I was shipping off a piece of my soul. Or at least a piece of Potato’s soul. Do dogs have souls? Great, another existential crisis to add to the list.

The whole process took about 10 minutes, most of which was spent chasing Potato around the living room. By the end, I was sweating, Potato was hiding under the bed, and my living room looked like the aftermath of a cotton swab tornado. But hey, in the name of science, right?

Shipping it off was the easy part. Then came the waiting game. Embark promises results in 2-4 weeks, which in dog owner time is approximately 84 years. I found myself obsessively checking my email, half expecting to see “Congratulations! Your dog is 50% floof, 50% attitude” in my inbox.

Key Features

Breed Identification: Embark claims to test for over 350 dog breeds, including some wild canines like wolves and coyotes. Because apparently, some people need to know if their chihuahua is part dire wolf. In Potato’s case, I was secretly hoping for some exotic mix – maybe a dash of dingo or a sprinkle of Norwegian Lundehund. (Turns out, she’s not.) But the breakdown they provide is impressively detailed, giving you percentages down to the decimal point. It’s like 23andMe for dogs, but with more tail-wagging.

Health Screening: This is where things get serious. Embark tests for over 250 genetic health conditions. It’s like having a tiny crystal ball for your dog’s future, except instead of a mystical orb, it’s a vial of drool. The test screens for everything from degenerative myelopathy to glaucoma. It’s simultaneously fascinating and terrifying.

Trait Analysis: Ever wondered why your dog’s ears flop like they’re auditioning for a Disney movie? They break down the genetic basis for various physical traits, from coat color to body size. It’s like getting the cheat codes to your dog’s appearance. Turns out, Potato’s perpetually confused expression isn’t just her personality – it’s in her DNA.

Relative Finder: This feature is the canine equivalent of finding out you’re related to royalty on Ancestry.com. Embark connects your dog with their long-lost cousins, or in some cases, their siblings from other litters. It’s all fun and games until you realize your dog has a more active social life than you do.

Inbreeding Coefficient: This one’s for all you fancy dog breeders out there. Embark calculates how inbred your dog is, which is great for breeding purposes and terrible for dinner party conversations. “Oh, your dog’s from a prestigious bloodline? That’s cool. Mine’s 2% inbred. Pass the salt?”

Pros

Ridiculously Detailed Results: If knowledge is power, then this test turns you into the Thanos of dog info. You’ll know more about your dog’s genetic makeup than you do about your own family history.
Health Insights: Knowing potential health risks is genuinely useful. It’s like having a crystal ball, but instead of seeing the future, you’re seeing potential vet bills.
Relative Finder: It’s Facebook for dogs. Need I say more?
Customer Service: They have actual geneticists and vets on standby to answer your questions. It’s like having a team of dog nerds at your beck and call. Very nice.

Cons

The Price: It’s not cheap. You could buy a lot of tennis balls for that price.
The Wait: 2-4 weeks feels like an eternity when you’re waiting to find out if your dog is part unicorn.
Potential for Overanalysis: You might find yourself obsessing over every little genetic quirk. “Is Potato scratching because she’s itchy, or is it her wolf DNA trying to dig a den?”

Final Thoughts

So, who should buy the Embark Breed & Health Kit? If you’re the type of person who names their Wi-Fi “FBI Surveillance Van” and has strong opinions about the Oxford comma, this test is for you. It’s perfect for the curious, the obsessive, and anyone who’s ever looked at their dog and thought, “What ARE you?”

On the flip side, if you’re perfectly content believing your rescue is a “Lab mix” (aren’t they all?), or if you think ignorance is bliss when it comes to potential health issues, maybe skip this one. Also, if you’re prone to WebMD-induced panic attacks, proceed with caution.

As for Potato? Turns out she’s a glorious mutt with a dash of everything and a sprinkle of who-knows-what. But hey, that’s what I signed up for when I picked the dog that looked like a sentient dust bunny at the shelter. And you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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